Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school