He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights