me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“That’s what” – She
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
This has made my week.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.