It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.