Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.