Waffles make excellent pill organizers
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling