If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?