[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?