Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie