The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
You Might Also Like
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don鈥檛 please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
6YO: Daddy you鈥檙e so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: 鈥his morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can鈥檛 even remember if I took my pills last night
FBI: I can鈥檛 unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
This checks out
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 馃槑
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There鈥檚 a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don鈥檛 say thank you when you hold it for them.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.