It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”