My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
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A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Mornin