If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded