I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Welcome
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.