FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You Might Also Like
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.