If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Last-minute gift idea!
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?