Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Flowers bee like
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?