My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Yes
Banana is the quietest snack
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
But I really needed water water water
seems fine
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.