Nice try, poison.
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I have a new favorite meme page
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.