old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
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me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
They say women only use 10% of their anger
This is so me 😂😂
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.