In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.