This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I thought this was funny lol
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update