If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree