*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
When I snag the last meatball.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.