I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
*performs CPR on the turkey*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick