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where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”