Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
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Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
The French word for sex is croissant.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off