Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.