Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
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Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no