I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
You Might Also Like
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
This kid is a star!
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹