The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
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I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think