Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
pep talk
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*