Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.