dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things