They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Bless you
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor