Tell the colonel to bring it
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Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.