Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
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Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal