TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
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Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.