“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do