I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili