You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
repaired
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what