The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same