“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”