It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
You Might Also Like
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken