Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
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[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool