[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.