“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
You Might Also Like
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start