Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
the rocks need my help
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.