Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Taliband
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.