I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
What if the weather talks about us?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO